Infant Insights: It’s Never Too Early To Talk About Race and Other Differences
Rassamee Hayes, K2 Teacher and Primary DEIJ Lead, UWCSEA Dover
31 May 2023
There are many questions parents of young children have about talking to their children about race, physical differences, gender and other ways of being.
How do we teach our young children about diversity, equity and inclusion in a way that makes sense to them and is developmentally appropriate?
What do I do if I do not know the answer to the questions my child has? What if my child says something offensive or biased?
In recent weeks, a number of parents and educators have approached me asking for more information on how to navigate conversations about race, ability and other differences. I’ve written this article to address these questions. The UWC mission is as follows: the UWC movement makes education a force to unite people, nations and cultures for peace and a sustainable future. We have the opportunity to support our children in gaining the knowledge and skills to understand and embrace those who are different from them. This is what it means to be part of the UWC community.
Our children can learn how to be more equitable and inclusive in order to navigate our global society and live out the UWC mission as adults. As a parent of young children and a teacher in the early years, I am keenly aware that our children are growing up in a world that is vastly different from when their parents were growing up. They are constantly inundated with messages from society about different identities and their values. We recognize that all of us have multiple identities. For example, I am a parent, an educator, a North American, a person of Thai ancestry, a multilingual learner, someone who loves to travel. Our young people also have this awareness and are learning to navigate their own identities within the context of an international school that most likely is not in their home country. The ability for young people to understand their multiple identities starts with cultivating safe spaces at home where children can share and learn about themselves and others. One easy step is diversifying your child’s home library, which I wrote about in September: Infant Insights blog. In this article, I’d like to dig into how to talk to your child about race, physical differences, gender and other ways of being.
Firstly, we can be willing to answer difficult questions, to have the hard conversations and to be okay with being uncomfortable and not knowing.
It’s important to share and reiterate to your children that they can tell you or ask you anything and that you are a safe space for them. Allow children to ask questions and inquire without being judged or shamed. If you want to learn more about talking to your child about race, check out this podcast NPR Talking Race With Young Children.
What children learn, hear, observe from family, friends and community members play a major role in how they respond to people who are different from them. It is important to ask them questions about what they noticed and why it happens. Making use of moments and opportunities to discuss early and often, answering their questions openly and honestly. “Why is her hair like that?” “Is that a boy or a girl?” “Why is her skin like that?” What happened to his leg?” It’s important to answer these questions, even if you do not know the answer. It is okay to say, “I don’t know but we can figure it out.” Often answering questions matter of factly is best. Suspend your own judgment and feelings, as your child will internalize any judgment or feelings they interpret from you. Young children do not have the biases and discomfort that adults often have when talking about differences, equity, diversity and inclusion. So if your child says, “Is that a boy or a girl,” you can ask, “Why do you say that?” or ”What do you think?” to see why your child is wondering this. They might say, “I don’t know if they are a boy or a girl because they have short hair.” The easy answer to this is that anyone can have short hair. If your child sees a child with a physical difference and asks, “Why is her skin like that?” or “Why do they walk like that?” You can share that some people are born like or I’m not sure, what do you think?
Having these open, honest conversations will help your child understand that human differences exist and they are simply part of the world around them.
If possible, depending on the situation, and you and your child’s comfort, you can have your child ask their question to the person they are wondering about. Or you can go home and do some research about the difference your child noticed. These types of strategies can work if your child is wondering about gender expression (Can boys play with dolls? Can boys like pink?), sexuality (Can two girls love each other? Can boys hold hands?), language differences (Why do they talk like that?) or any other way of being that is different than your child is used to.
We as parents do not have to wait for our children to bring something up. If we do not set an example for our children and bring these topics up, our children may internalize the perspectives of others and, from historic examples, these perspectives can be ugly. This visual is a useful reference for how early children notice differences like race, but it really applies for all human differences. For instance, if our child sees someone with a limb difference, asks a question about it and we as their parents shut them down or fail to address the question or confusion, they may learn that limb differences are something to not discuss or to ignore. This can often lead to children shunning or avoiding people who are different from them.
We as parents of young children have an opportunity to give our children the tools they need to be successful as a global citizen in our interconnected world. Helping them navigate the questions and wonderings they have about those who are different from them will help grow children who are more understanding of differences and disparities and therefore more inclusive and equitable in the way they treat others. Attending international school comes with a host of opportunities to be more aware and inclusive of others. Additionally, many of our children are third culture kids which is a specific and unique identity. Our children are exposed to so many different ways of being, more than perhaps we were as children. We may not have all the answers but we can be there for our children to help navigate the questions and opportunities of understanding, acknowledging and embracing differences.
Rassamee Hayes is a K2 Teacher and the Primary DEIJ Lead at UWCSEA Dover. She is the developer of Antiracism for Young Kids, a curriculum for educating children about antiracism and supporting parents in raising families who are actively antiracist. She has two young children who attend K1 and Grade 2 at Dover Campus. Rassamee and her partner, Isaak, are originally from the United States and have lived in Asia for the past 4 years.